Self Compassion, Self Esteem and Self Pity

Self-compassion is a concept that is new to me.  I'm currently learning about it in treatment. Self-esteem is entirely different however and something I've been familiar with most of my life.

I think I've always had low self-esteem and have engaged in unhealthy habits in order to boost it. For example, feeling the unnecessary need to be the center of attention in many circumstances. I also have a long history of alcohol and drug abuse relative to low self esteem. There is a need for a healthy self-esteem but it should be built on the proper foundation of self love and a healthy acceptance of yourself.

I am learning that self-compassion however should not be confused with self-pity either, which is a self defeating emotion. Self-compassion is more about having empathy for oneself not pity. It is understanding one's own imperfections, mistakes and realizing you are not alone. It is reliant on the understanding of common humanity, as well as accepting imperfection in oneself.

In order to practice self-compassion you need to be mindful. Mindfulness involves being non-judgmental which when used for self-compassion means being non-judgmental of oneself. It essentially revolves around being a kind friend to yourself.

Right now, I think self compassion is probably more necessary than ever. We have an issue at hand that requires us to remind ourselves of our common Humanity. 

There's a lot of folks out there that are struggling, who may feel guilty or ashamed of their ability to pay bills or put food on the table and are in need of assistance. The use of self-compassion reminds us that we are not alone in these circumstances and in all circumstances regardless.

Uncertainty And The Need For Contol

There's been a lot of talk in the news lately regarding the Coronavirus and its effects on Mental Health. At the core of this issue I think uncertainty along with social distancing are key factors in a conversation about depression and anxiety related to the virus.

 "Not knowing" makes many us uncomfortable. In a pandemic which involves massive changes in our livelihoods and lifestyles, uncertainty coupled with social distancing can become a large weight to carry, large enough for some individuals to fall into the pitfalls of anxiety and depression.

The key of course is one's ability to let go. Life itself is an uncertain mess even without a pandemic. We have little to no control in the grand scheme of things and the more we understand that, the better off we are. This doesn't mean we shouldn't exercise caution or try to do our best but it simply means that our mindset cannot revolve around controlling the outcome of anything.

 These are unprecedented times but perhaps they are a test of our willingness to let go of control and live in the present moment. Perhaps this is a a time of education for us. A time of reflection as to how we live our lives and how we have lived them. 

Have we given our worries to the strength of a higher power? Have we lived in the present moment? Do we understand how little control we have? Do we understand how wanting control or needing it can create undue stress in our lives?  Do we realize how our need for control affects our loved ones and our relationships with them? Do we know how to let go?

These are all relevant questions a person can ask themselves.  I'm sure if a person has the ability to be honest with oneself they will realize that an excessive need for control impacts their serenity and peace of mind in one form or another daily.

Personally I believe there's a lot of societal pressure to succeed in the US. This pushes many of us into the trap of wanting control. The need for control and feelings of uncertainty are very closely related. The more you let go of your need to control the more comfortable you are with uncertainty, hence more relaxed and at peace. 

Mindfullness

One of the practices I am trying to learn about in treatment right now is "Mindfulness." At the centerpiece of mindfulness is learning to live in the moment.

 I'm so terrible at it that I have a difficult time even focusing on the lessons themselves without being distracted by either an upcoming issue or a past mistake. Ironically, it also involves being non-judgemental which of course I just was about my ability to be mindful. Both seem like impossible challenges to master and at this point even practice. 

My mind is always either in the past thinking about my wrongs in life

or in the future worrying about problems I have to address. It is rarely in the moment which is where it should be. I think we all can relate to this problem. It's not easy focusing on the moment being a human in the frenzy of today's world.

Being non-judgmental of situations, challenges or people is difficult as well.  It just seems natural to do so and I'll be the first to admit I'm not good when it comes to people especially.

The goal is to be more calm, effective, tolerant, and increase one's ability to regulate their emotions while being non-judgmental and flexible rather than impulsive, conflicted, stressed, or having mood dependent behavior all while living in the moment. 

It involves a long list of techniques including meditation, deep breathing, prayer, exercise, observation and much more. Personally I find the deep breathing to be quite effective and tonight I'm going to take a long walk. I'm not a religious person but I do pray most everyday. Mostly I just pray for God's guidance.

All in all the concept seems to make a lot of sense. Wouldn't we all want to feel less stress and simply live in the moment.

Compassion and Why

I'm thankful that there is more awareness today than decade ago about mental illness. I'm thankful that the stigma has been reduced and those that suffer with it are able to come forward to receive help without the shame and guilt once associated with what was so blatantly misunderstood. I think we have a long way to go but progress is being made.

 The brain is an organ, no different than your heart or liver and it can be diseased. Unfortunately it is the most perplexing organ to the medical profession. Its workings are complex, diseases are difficult to pinpoint and diagnose, not to mention treat. This is why we must have compassion. It is one of many reasons. Another reason is that we cannot truly understand the suffering of another person who struggles with mental illness. From my own perspective I have the utmost difficulty to handle the internal struggles and external stressors simultaneously. I become overwhelmed. I can often act irrationally and make poor decisions.

 I have a very difficult time maintaining relationships. Many cannot handle my erratic nature though it may be well-intentioned with genuine kindness, generosity, and love for others at it's centerpiece. Simply put, we must be compassionate because we don't understand. This doesn't mean we have to accept behaviors that are damaging to ourselves but we must still be compassionate and make an attempt to understand and love even if from a distance when necessary.

 Throughout history some of our greatest contributors were sufferers of mental illness. It is a gift and a curse for many, but we must look for the good with empathy in our hearts.

Behavioral Activation

One of the many techniques used in treating Depression and Anxiety is something called Behavioural Activation. It comes from the idea that we can't think our way out of depression or anxiety which to the contrary only makes it worse. I personally have found that getting yourself out of a deep depression and coping with anxiety involves  baby steps when it comes to Behavioral Activation. You can't set the bar too high. For the past several months  I have been  firmly attached to either the couch or the bed , so  moving forward I had to set small goals . In treatment we actually have a list we fill out each day of activities we are going to partake in from small to somewhat larger goals.  This helps us hold ourselves accountable . Emptying the dishwasher has been on my list as well as making my bed. These might seem like ordinary tasks to most but they have been daunting challenges to me for several months. 

As a result of my depression and anxiety (Symptoms of OCD) I have also been suffering with agoraphobia as well. This makes tasks like going to the grocery store in order to cook a meal particularly difficult. The list also helps me stay on track with a technique called "Opposite Action." This method is also highly effective and entails basically doing the opposite of what your depression or anxiety is telling you to do. Since starting treatment I have made great strides using these simple techniques and methods towards being more active and more interactive. 

At the moment I am home.  I do about 8 hours a day  of combined telehealth and homework. The program I am in now through Rogers Memorial Hospital focuses on depression and anxiety specifically. The residential center I was in through them for OCD was unable to treat me due to my depression and anxiety levels being too high to engage, so I was forced to address these sypmptoms before potentially returning to residential treatment. The teleheath team is also helping me address the OCD.

Curve Balls

As many of you already know I stopped working in December. I had a nervous breakdown in November which was long overdue. I had some commitments to follow through with regarding holiday parties so after an inpatient stay I attempted to muddle through a couple more days of bartending. It was blatantly obvious from that experience that I was no longer physically or mentally able to run a business any longer. 

Mental Illness had plagued me since the age of 16, I had tried everything I could think of to cope with it and keep it from being apparent to others. After over 33 years of hiding it (ineffectively) I once again sought treatment. For months I saw a counselor and was treated with medications. I found a once overambitious 49 yr old bedridden with overwhelming anxiety and depression. These however were just symptoms much like my manic work ethic, prior issues with alcohol, drugs and other mechanisms of avoidance.. I knew at that point I was no longer going to be able to run from my disease. Much to my own disservice I was not completely honest with my therapist and progress was not imminent. The initial thought was that I had Schizophrenia and I was treated accordingly. It wasn't until one day during therapy that I chose to be brutally honest at the insistence of my wife. It was then that I was diagnosed with severe OCD. 

I had no problem accepting the diagnosis as I had suspected it already. Unfortunately my type of OCD is particularly troubling and terrorizing. Many people associate OCD with the need to be orderly and clean. While this is true for some sufferers, it also takes on a myriad of other very unpleasant forms One of which is the inability to escape unwanted and paralyzing thoughts of doing harm to others or believing one has the urge or desire to do so. This is to some degree the category I fall into,  The other trap of OCD is that the thoughts themselves are virtually unstoppable. The thoughts do not reveal the character or initiative of the individual but are quite the opposite. So at age 16 when I began having troubling and uncontrollable thoughts, I picked up the bottle.

Hello

Welcome to my new Blog. While I go through treatment for mental illness I've decided to share portions of the teachings and techniques I am learning

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as well as my history in dealing with it the wrong way.