Self Honesty

A good share of my blog revolves around mental illness. I personally struggle horribly with OCD. The symptoms can vary from day to day but overwhelming depression and anxiety are the most common, For most of my life I have used unhealthy coping skills to deal with them, Drinking and drug use were my go to for decades but eventually the consequences of abuse catch up with you. I learned the hard way, not once but repeatedly. After getting sober many years ago followed by a grueling stay as an inmate I thought I was on my way to a healthier lifestyle. I was sorely mistaken.

While I may have been avoiding drugs and alcohol little did I realize I was replacing my addictions with other unhealthy habits to cope with my symptoms, For one, I became a workaholic. I also became obsessed with becoming successful. In addition, I sought out comfort from the opposite sex and found myself seeking and maintaining relationships for the wrong reasons with less than admirable intentions. I essentially used women to relieve myself from my own suffering all while being completely dishonest, not only with those involved but myself as well. It was a harmful, selfish and insensitive habit that was in actuality only prolonging and exacerbating my suffering by avoiding the real problems. I was still an addict, just an addict of a different kind

At 50 years old and after having spent a lifetime of seeking relief  in what was truly just a pattern of  harmful avoidance for myself and hurtful to others I am rethinking ways to cope with OCD in a healthier manner. It is a bitterly painful process of admitting to myself and others the nature of my wrongs with the hope that I discontinue these behaviors.

Today was a better day than most, I was active all day which is much less common than ordinary. It seems that since I have been cutting out the use of unhealthy coping skills more and more I am forced to actually feel the extremely painful symptoms which result in more prolonged episodes of anxiety and depression. I can often find myself avoiding life completely by isolating myself from the others and the many responsibilities of life.  

Lately, I have been trying to concentrate on the use of healthy coping skills however, It's an arduous process with many ups, downs and frequent setbacks, Some of the things I have been focusing on are spirituality, diet and exercise. Today I spent a good share of my day integrating these things while also utilizing my time to be of help to others,. I am trying to find ways to give rather than take and learning that kindness combined with gratitude are also healthier ways to cope while also helping me to avoid reverting to my old and ineffective not to mention damaging habits. 

We cannot undue our past, we cannot undue the pain we may have caused but what we can do is attempt to learn from our mistakes and better ourselves by being honest with ourselves.