A Journey of Addiction and Recovery

 What is it like to be an addict? I think before we ever fix the problem or even make progress, our ability and desire to understand is going to have to be prioritized

I always feel it's kind of important for me to put out my feelings and thoughts on this subject occasionally. It's sort of my responsibility I feel as well. Having an intimate knowledge of this and having lived through addiction to sobriety, along with everything in between, gives me a relatively rare and insightful perspective. 

Whenever there's something wrong in society or culture, there's generally two groups of people. The people that want to learn what's causing it, and those that want to point the finger of judgment.

Judgment really doesn't work. It doesn't provide or lead to a solution..It's just judgment.. A way to make one person feel superior over another person's failings or struggles..

As an addict having experienced both genuine understanding and harsh judgment I can easily tell you which one is more effective. It's not difficult to tell somebody that they have character flaws or they don't live right. It does take time and effort however to want to understand why an individual behaves the way they do.

So often, I see opinions regarding addicts, and like usual, they are very uninformed opinions. Addicts are not bad people. They are people utilizing a substance or activity to cope with either trauma, mental illness, or a lack of self worth.. to name a few.  I've associated with people who struggle with addiction that have come from every walk of life, from Lawyers to Athletes, it does not discriminate. Poor and Wealthy, Religious and Agnostic. Each has a unique and individual story to tell.

I try to relate my own experience to theirs and generally I can find many parallels. For me it was most likely a mixture of trauma and mental illness or mental illness caused by trauma of which specifically I am not going to divulge.. but it started at a young and very vulnerable age.

I was a nice kid, good moral fiber, a work ethic, loving, thoughtful..All of which was sort of robbed. At about the age of 16 it had become quite apparent that something was very wrong. The guilt I was experiencing was just so overwhelming that I could barely think straight, everything began to slide. In 1986 there was no "Talking to someone"..There was not only almost a complete lack of mental health care, there was non existent awareness. 

I just remember thinking that I could absolutely tell no one what was going on inside my head. And so it began, the search for an escape, which was easily found in an activity, very socially acceptable at 16..Alcohol and Drugs. 

That age is particularly vulnerable because there's so much going on with wanting to be accepted, heightened emotion, hormones and just a general lack of life experience. Throw in some trauma or a mental health condition and you have the perfect recipe for creating an addict.

For me it would be ten years of almost immediate and chronic addiction before I got clean the first time which did last 5 years..Unfortunately the worst was yet to come.

One thing people do not understand about addiction is that it NEVER gets better..It actually becomes progressively worse even during a period of abstinence. You can be clean for a decade, but if you decide to use again, you do not pick up where you left off. You pick up where you would have been, had you continued to use.

5 years of sobriety is actually a really dangerous point to suddenly start using again..My drinking especially became

out of control very quickly, my behaviors were far more unpredictable as well. 

I shall continue..stayed tuned, if you so desire 😉

Addiction and It's Grip

 The thing about reality is that it doesn't care. It's going to be what it is regardless as to how you react to it. There's no control. It's all perception and choice, attitude and willingness to accept. I think what people don't understand about addiction is that drugs are a tool people use to escape a harsh and unrealistic view of reality that is basically created in their own minds. 

Their perception of reality is dark and lonely, sad, angry and frustrating. No one wants to walk around that way and no one wants to walk around in fear let alone in a constant panic. People are exposed to a drug, it becomes their drug of choice because it relieves them of this dark view of reality. They become dependent.

Others seem to be born with a smile on their face and can view the world in a positive manner without a lot of effort. I've noticed over the years that these individuals, while they may consume alcohol or recreationally use drugs generally don't struggle with addiction.

I'm sure some of it is circumstantial as life can throw people hard knocks and often difficult things to cope with along the way especially in childhood. It's really tough overcome a fear that is ingrained. Couple those fears, legitimate or not with a predisposition to negativity then add drugs or alcohol and you have an addict. You also have an addict that does not know how to escape his addiction let alone the circumstances or feelings that caused it.

Eventually the drug of choice deteriorates the brain even more to the point that almost everything is black and inescapable. The only option to the drug addict or alcoholic is to increase their use. That's when true reality kicks in and life crumbles almost to the point of no return.

The addict tries to quit the habit that is killing them and destroying whatever life they have left but their troubles outweigh their strength. Their ability to cope has been weakened to the point where coping mechanisms are almost inaccessible. The strength healthy people rely on to overcome adversity is simply not there. Only a lucky few can summon the strength to get through the painful process that takes years not months to once again find hope.

Addiction is not a weakness, it's a sickness. Be grateful you do not struggle with it or suffer from it and it's consequences. It's best not to judge because it's almost impossible to relate.

It's impossible to pass judgement on something you can't understand.

On a personal level, my mind kicks back often to the things that helped create my alcoholism and abuse. These are the moments when I feel ashamed and guilt ridden about my actions and display of old controlling behaviors.  I have to muddle through it with the tenacity necessary to understand myself and to keep moving forward sober and clean.

Exercise, Depression and Anxiety

 A few months ago, right around the beginning of spring my brother mowed a trail that surrounds some acreage that my parents own. He and his wife began using it to walk on daily. They would walk four laps around it almost religiously everyday.

Knowing that I was suffering with severe anxiety and depression, symptoms of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, he encouraged me to join them. Acting as someone suffering from depression I was immediately apprehensive and resistant, however he insisted that I get consistent exercise and also encouraged me to start drinking more water.

I started out walking and eventually transitioned into doing a bit of running as well. As a result of not being an experienced runner and also being exceptionally out of shape I developed shin splints and was not able to run for a while or walk for that matter. Eventually the shin splints healed and I am back on the trail again.

I wouldn't give anybody the advice that exercise is a cure-all for the struggles of anxiety and depression but it is an element that does contribute to a healthier state of mind. Increasing hydration, taking supplements and vitamins have also been beneficial.

 I still have very bad days but they are fewer and farther between and often less severe. I also find myself being more productive in other areas as well. It's a grindingly slow process unfortunately, but progress, not perfection is the goal.

What I would encourage is for anyone that is suffering with symptoms of anxiety and or depression is to start setting yourself a small daily goal of getting some form of exercise and committing to doing it daily. Starting small is key but I have found that I am continuously adding to my regimine though I began with just a bit of walking once a day. 

Since starting walking several months ago I have been able to add running, sit ups, push ups, pull-ups and dips to my routine. I also worked my way up to running an entire lap around the trail which felt like a great achievement, especially considering where I started from.

I do take medications for my OCD as well. I have learned however that one cannot rely simply on medications to improve their mental health and from doing some research have learned that exercise improves the effectiveness of the medications.

The Seemingly Endless Jouney

I've been writing this blog on and off over the course of the last several months. If you've read it before you're already aware that it has to do with mental illness and my own personal experience with it. Since November I've sought treatment, both inpatient and out, read, prayed, exercised, watched my diet, and of course  experimented with a myriad of medications.

My issues stem from anxiety and depression which are symptoms of obsessive-compulsive disorder. I was diagnosed over the winter with severe OCD.

I didn't need the diagnosis all too much as I was already aware based on my symptoms that OCD was the most likely candidate. However, having an official diagnosis may be beneficial down the road. 

Since a very young age I've always struggled with this but since last June it has been unmanageable and it continues to be unmanageable. The depression, anxiety, guilt, shame and feelings of low self-worth are simply put, overwhelming. 

The loss of interest in life itself is often the hardest to cope with. To go from being someone so passionate to being an individual that has little interest in anything and on most occasions finds it difficult to even leave the house is hard to comprehend.

I think the worst of it is the blame one puts on themselves when in this predicament. I continuously hold myself accountable for the fact that I am unambitious, continuously procrastinating, and on many days what one might consider downright lazy. This ironically is far from the overachiever I used to be.

As of late I find myself being just plain frustrated. The efforts, including the seeking of help that I have put into this do not seem to be reaping rewards of progress. As I find myself feeling defeated, I just keep reminding myself of the needs of my children, especially their need for their father. I do a pretty good job of "faking it" for them but it is exhausting. 

I spend a good share of my day questioning as to whether or not I am afflicted or just an utter failure, making excuses not to participate in life. 

These however are the realities for those that truly do suffer with some form of mental illness. The blame and shame accompanied by the guilt you put yourself through is the worst of it. I hope better days are ahead, I hope I once again can contribute and function like I once did but in a healthier fashion. 

I thought years ago that beating drug abuse and alcoholism was tough. That seems like a cakewalk in retrospect and in comparison but perhaps I have simply forgotten how tough it really was. With good fortune I can overcome this portion of my journey as well which is brutally unpleasant and learn from it in hopes that I can pass some coping skills and guidance along with hope to others down the road.

Self Honesty

A good share of my blog revolves around mental illness. I personally struggle horribly with OCD. The symptoms can vary from day to day but overwhelming depression and anxiety are the most common, For most of my life I have used unhealthy coping skills to deal with them, Drinking and drug use were my go to for decades but eventually the consequences of abuse catch up with you. I learned the hard way, not once but repeatedly. After getting sober many years ago followed by a grueling stay as an inmate I thought I was on my way to a healthier lifestyle. I was sorely mistaken.

While I may have been avoiding drugs and alcohol little did I realize I was replacing my addictions with other unhealthy habits to cope with my symptoms, For one, I became a workaholic. I also became obsessed with becoming successful. In addition, I sought out comfort from the opposite sex and found myself seeking and maintaining relationships for the wrong reasons with less than admirable intentions. I essentially used women to relieve myself from my own suffering all while being completely dishonest, not only with those involved but myself as well. It was a harmful, selfish and insensitive habit that was in actuality only prolonging and exacerbating my suffering by avoiding the real problems. I was still an addict, just an addict of a different kind

At 50 years old and after having spent a lifetime of seeking relief  in what was truly just a pattern of  harmful avoidance for myself and hurtful to others I am rethinking ways to cope with OCD in a healthier manner. It is a bitterly painful process of admitting to myself and others the nature of my wrongs with the hope that I discontinue these behaviors.

Today was a better day than most, I was active all day which is much less common than ordinary. It seems that since I have been cutting out the use of unhealthy coping skills more and more I am forced to actually feel the extremely painful symptoms which result in more prolonged episodes of anxiety and depression. I can often find myself avoiding life completely by isolating myself from the others and the many responsibilities of life.  

Lately, I have been trying to concentrate on the use of healthy coping skills however, It's an arduous process with many ups, downs and frequent setbacks, Some of the things I have been focusing on are spirituality, diet and exercise. Today I spent a good share of my day integrating these things while also utilizing my time to be of help to others,. I am trying to find ways to give rather than take and learning that kindness combined with gratitude are also healthier ways to cope while also helping me to avoid reverting to my old and ineffective not to mention damaging habits. 

We cannot undue our past, we cannot undue the pain we may have caused but what we can do is attempt to learn from our mistakes and better ourselves by being honest with ourselves.

To My Brother

Just wanted to thank my brother Todd Frey for all his kindhearted encouragement. I am not one to hide or be overly secrative about my struggles with Mental Illness though I do keep many of the unpleasant details to myself. For the past several months he has dedicated himself to listening without judgment, providing positive input without criticism, while refraining from giving overzealous advice or reminding me of my failings but instead recalling my successes.

He is consistently reaching out, helping me look for solutions and spending his own valuable time researching ways for me to cope and potentially overcome. He is always full of ppzositive messages reminding me that there is hope and light at the end of the tunnel. At points when I want to give up he encourages me to keep going, often with a stern tone. 

About a month or so ago he shared with me that exercise has been beneficial to his health and coping with his own life stressors. He managed to convince me that it may also help alleviate the depression and anxiety I was trapped in which are symptoms of OCD in my case. 

He mowed a lengthy trail around some acreage owned by my parents and began using it daily as a walking route. Shortly after he began using it I was persuaded to join him. Afterwards he insisted that I walk 4 laps a day on the trail. I have been regimental about doing so for quite some time now. I have since also worked up to jogging 1 of the three laps while run/waking the other 3. I've also added push -ups and sit-ups to my routine trying to drive myself a little further in each of the three categories daily

It was brutal at first but Todd was adamant that I keep it up and assured me it would pay immense dividends, both physical and mental. Progress has been incrementally slow but noticable and the sense of pride I had after jogging my first entire lap was exceptionally rewarding though I almost passed out short of breath. I owe that feeling of pride to my insistent brother. Thanks for all you do!!!

What OCD Really Is

Every once in awhile you'll hear somebody talk or joke about their OCD. They are of course referring to their insistence of having a clean house and having things in order. The term OCD has morphed into a synonym for neatness or cleanliness to some degree. Unfortunately, it is a much more serious disease which entails a variety of symptoms, many completely unrelated to the need to have things orderly.

I personally started suffering with it at the age of 16 not knowing what was wrong. I did a little research and thought I would share some of the lesser-known symptoms of OCD and share with you the ones I particularly struggle with and suffer with on a daily basis. At 50 years old it is now at its worst and completely exhausting.

I don't know if stress brought it on or age but it is raging and I have been looking for every solution possible to diminish the symptoms including the anxiety and depression that accompany the disease. I do know that for most of my life I have used unhealthy coping skills to deal with its symptoms. Here is a breakdown some common and more uncommon types and symptoms of OCD.

Common obsessive thoughts in OCD include:

• Fear of being contaminated by germs or dirt or contaminating others
• Fear of losing control and harming yourself or others
• Intrusive sexually explicit or violent thoughts and images
• Excessive focus on religious or moral ideas
• Fear of losing or not having things you might need
• Order and symmetry: the idea that everything must line up “just right”
• Superstitions; excessive attention to something considered lucky or unlucky

The Many Different Types of OCD

• Checking.
• Contamination.
• Mental Contamination.
• Hoarding.
• Ruminations.
• Intrusive Thoughts.

I've heard some real horror stories regarding the symptoms of others. One young lady was a nurse who was afraid she was going to kill her patients and obsessed about it to the point that she had to quit nursing. Others suffer from checking and paranoia so badly that they actually believe they may have struck and killed a pedestrian on their way home from work. They're forced to drive back and forth up and down the street looking for their victims.

Most of my OCD revolves around the intrusive thoughts and ruminations categories.  For most people OCD morphs over the years from one thing to another. When I was young I had an excessive fear of germs and struggled with checking things obsessively. These days I'm just terrified with my own thoughts. It starts the moment I wake up and unless I can distract myself, which is difficult, it lasts until I lay my head down and finally fall asleep. 

The worst of it however is the shame and guilt I feel for how I have dealt with this disorder over the years, the use of unhealthy behaviors to cope with it and how these behaviors have affected and hurt those around me. I've been working hard lately at having compassion for myself attempting to forgive myself.

 I can only equate it to living in a constant state of fear and terror. For the last several years I distracted myself with work amongst other unhealthy activities. Working itself is not unhealthy but it can be when it is very unbalanced. 

Last June I started noticing myself becoming exhausted, excessively nervous and paranoid, I began refusing to eat as well. By November I was hospitalized. I've been in and out of hospitalization since with little to no progress being made unfortunately. As always, thanks for reading and I hope you found this informative.