What OCD Really Is

Every once in awhile you'll hear somebody talk or joke about their OCD. They are of course referring to their insistence of having a clean house and having things in order. The term OCD has morphed into a synonym for neatness or cleanliness to some degree. Unfortunately, it is a much more serious disease which entails a variety of symptoms, many completely unrelated to the need to have things orderly.

I personally started suffering with it at the age of 16 not knowing what was wrong. I did a little research and thought I would share some of the lesser-known symptoms of OCD and share with you the ones I particularly struggle with and suffer with on a daily basis. At 50 years old it is now at its worst and completely exhausting.

I don't know if stress brought it on or age but it is raging and I have been looking for every solution possible to diminish the symptoms including the anxiety and depression that accompany the disease. I do know that for most of my life I have used unhealthy coping skills to deal with its symptoms. Here is a breakdown some common and more uncommon types and symptoms of OCD.

Common obsessive thoughts in OCD include:

• Fear of being contaminated by germs or dirt or contaminating others
• Fear of losing control and harming yourself or others
• Intrusive sexually explicit or violent thoughts and images
• Excessive focus on religious or moral ideas
• Fear of losing or not having things you might need
• Order and symmetry: the idea that everything must line up “just right”
• Superstitions; excessive attention to something considered lucky or unlucky

The Many Different Types of OCD

• Checking.
• Contamination.
• Mental Contamination.
• Hoarding.
• Ruminations.
• Intrusive Thoughts.

I've heard some real horror stories regarding the symptoms of others. One young lady was a nurse who was afraid she was going to kill her patients and obsessed about it to the point that she had to quit nursing. Others suffer from checking and paranoia so badly that they actually believe they may have struck and killed a pedestrian on their way home from work. They're forced to drive back and forth up and down the street looking for their victims.

Most of my OCD revolves around the intrusive thoughts and ruminations categories.  For most people OCD morphs over the years from one thing to another. When I was young I had an excessive fear of germs and struggled with checking things obsessively. These days I'm just terrified with my own thoughts. It starts the moment I wake up and unless I can distract myself, which is difficult, it lasts until I lay my head down and finally fall asleep. 

The worst of it however is the shame and guilt I feel for how I have dealt with this disorder over the years, the use of unhealthy behaviors to cope with it and how these behaviors have affected and hurt those around me. I've been working hard lately at having compassion for myself attempting to forgive myself.

 I can only equate it to living in a constant state of fear and terror. For the last several years I distracted myself with work amongst other unhealthy activities. Working itself is not unhealthy but it can be when it is very unbalanced. 

Last June I started noticing myself becoming exhausted, excessively nervous and paranoid, I began refusing to eat as well. By November I was hospitalized. I've been in and out of hospitalization since with little to no progress being made unfortunately. As always, thanks for reading and I hope you found this informative.